maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We left the knife in your bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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