her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize