I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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