turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize