Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
