Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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