I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
