I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How does it feel to date your dad?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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