Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
