Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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