She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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