Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can text with my tongue
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
