So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
