my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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