if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
