Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
