watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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