I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
