everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
