i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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