So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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