sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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