i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
