I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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