good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
