totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
