My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
