My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize