Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
