pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We left the knife in your bed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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