And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
