I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize