So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
