3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
