cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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