My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
