Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
