If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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