Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
