You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
