I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's like iHOP with fire
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
