Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize