we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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