Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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