dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
