youre lurking in front of me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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