my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
