And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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