i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Too much gin, very little bucket
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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