no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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