Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
and you fell through a lawn chair
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