I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
