And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
