Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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