They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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