My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
